A Challenge

My friend Joan sent me another picture along with a challenge. She'd read my posting on the bats cartoon and wondered if I could paint a word picture of this one as well. I have to say, however, that while this picture may not require a thousand words, the picture is definitely better than them.


The text mimics a MasterCard ad:

This is the new Miss Kentucky.
The picture that will stay with her for the rest of her life:

Make-up and hair style ................... $500
New dress for the show ...................$700
Giant stuffed bear .........................$300

(Insert picture:

It shows our beauty queen on stage, spotlights in the background, holding a giant stuffed bear which is clad only in a purple t-shirt. Her top arm is behind the bear, out of sight, gripping it firmly, one presumes. The other one supports it from beneath, between its legs. The microphone also in her hand is, unfortunately, undeniably phallic as well as cordless. The camera angle is ... strategic. The mike appears to be part of the bear and a convenient handle to grip him with.)


Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in her hand .....
Priceless!

Passing Along the Joke

I received this as a picture email from my friend Joan. Don't know where she got it, but I have to assume it's being passed around on the internet. I do words better than pictures - takes me less time for one thing - so I'll summarize/paraphrase, with apologies if there are any copyrights being violated out there.

Two elderly, wrinkled bats are handing upside down on a branch, wings folded around their bodies. The first one asks, "Do you know what I hate most about growing old?"

"No, what?"

"Incontinence."

Elevator Conversation

I eavesdrop shamelessly on elevator conversations. If they wanted privacy, why chat there?

Yesterday, the discussion was on the cold weather we'd been having. (High yesterday 3 above, wind chill brutal.) One woman noted that our June brides were not dressed like the ones in the fashion magazines. Her companion responded, "You're talking about the mink coats and the leg warmers?"

Hmmm, now there's a thought for a Valentine's day wedding!

Old Joke, New Joke

I was reminded today of a joke I heard and loved years ago:

Some people are like slinkys: they're not much good for anything, but they sure bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs!

And then there's the Granny Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the strength to stay away from all those people I never liked very much anyway, the time to spend with all the friends and family near and dear, and the good eyeglasses to tell the difference!

And More Timericks

It seems I can't write just one. Or two. Especially when some significant news comes down from the state supreme court on Pawlenty's favorite tactic for settling budget issues without having to actually talk with the legislature. But that's not the only issue.

Two Governors tour with their speeches.
The job they both covet a peach is.
Both rail against taxes
And hope support waxes.
Will the winner wear skirts or wear breeches?

Unallotment became Timmy's tool.
"I'll not compromise," he said, so cool.
"I'll just slash here and there
At whatever I care.
Lookie here: I'll just start with this school."

His authority Timmy exceeded
When the budget to balance he needed.
He'd never raise taxes
So brought out his axes
And he chopped, yes he chopped with such glee did.

Unallotment was Timothy's tool,
He who righteously used one-man-rule.
The court said, "Oh no,
You can't budget so!"
Making Timothy look like a fool.

The decision our Timmy protested.
But the court it does seem has him bested.
Now our Tim he did pout
But that so wore him out
At the Twins game that day Timmy rested.



I think I'm getting addicted.

Timericks

I came up with several of these years ago while driving around with nothing better to do than listen to the radio, watch traffic, and hunt addresses. And, of course, fume about our Governor's latest doings. I'm not sure what happened to them, and I'm having to recreate them, with a few updates, so I'll post them as I come up with them. This one stuck in my mind, probably because the syntax had to be bent so much to come up with things to rhyme with Pawlenty. Because it's bent so badly, and because I had to listen to somebody mangle it and give up midway through, I'm showing you where the accents are.

Don't LOOK in our STATE for PawLENty.
CamPAIGNing aGAIN this week WENT he.
A BRIDGE could fall DOWN,
He WON"T be in TOWN.
From BIGger amBItions is BENT he.

I also remember a middle section of one, but it needs the ends. I'll try to work on those today.

It's no tax, plain to see,
If you call it a fee...

I always figured it'd be a lark to get a radio station to have a contest coming up with them - clean ones, of course. He so deserves the ridicule.

* * * * * *

I finished this one in the shower. I think that means I'm as clean as it is.

"No new taxes" our Governor screams.
So I guess that is just what he means.
It's no tax, plain to see,
If you call it a fee.
But is everything just what it seems?

Tidbits

1: Signs are one of my pet peeves, as well as a source of endless entertainment. I mean, of course, those which are poorly worded or badly in need of punctuation. I long ago lost track of how many Burger King signs informed the world that they were hiring whoppers. The speculation on the permutations of that policy kept me going for hours, over months. Sometimes cleverness shows itself, as in a local video store that managed to arrange new movie titles so if you ran them all together they almost made sense, however peculiarly. My all-time favorite was a gas station in Chisago City a number of years ago that invited us to stop in and try out their new fancy car wash: "It'll knock your socks off!" Unfortunately, somebody caught on after about three days and found a gentler invitation.

2: The second biggest drawback of listening to commercial radio is the incessant bombardment with commercials. I have gotten very good at tuning them out while driving, or if I can't, forgetting them quickly after they play. My ears did perk up tonight, however, when one of them closed its big sale announcement with, "Offer good until supplies last."

3: MPR is much more my speed for consistent radio quality, and I'm lucky enough to be listening in Minnesota with three easily accessible stations, 2 music and one news. This afternoon I was listening to some expert expound on the rationalle for arresting somebody in Turkey who had a house full of explosives. It was set in the context of a government/military rift. Perhaps it was the presentation that started me giggling, as dry as a traffic report with absolutely no awareness of any kind of humor, when he stated, "Collecting C-4 is not a proper hobby."