Affecting Others

 Most of us are well aware of how others affect us. Of course, we seldom pass that along, or at least not often enough. Most of us tell a beloved spouse/partner how we feel, how important they are in our lives. Some of us even do it often enough. We might also inform not-so-beloved spouses or partners of our alternate kind of feelings and reactions to them. For the kids we raise, much the same, and when those children are really lucky they actually hear they are loved from the various ways we communicate that to them. It's pretty much a given that they hear the opposite when we're angry with them.

But how much do we really know about how we affect others, especially those peripheral to our lives? That random person we pass on the street, do we know whether our smile is important in their day or just dismissed? Have we any idea, when some expression of anger or disappointment crosses our face in reaction to something totally separate from the person who sees our expression, whether they think we don't like them, or can separate out that it's truly not about them?

I recently had cause to be aware that I don't know how I affect others much of the time, especially from many years ago in brief encounters. Even our memories of what happened vary. I have absolutely no memory of the event, while another person thought it an amazing adventure, and named a child after me.  Well, perhaps "after me" is over dramatizing it, though I don't know... yet. At least the other person liked my name well enough to use it later. I have yet to hear the story in full and first hand.

So far the story is passed along from somebody who had it second hand herself. Or is that third? I have family members who delve deeply into genealogy, and are generous enough to pass along what they learn to those of us who don't have or make the time to pursue it ourselves.  I grew up  knowing there was a book put together by a first cousin tracing their side of the family, the paternal one, back to before any immigrated to this continent in the early 1600s, and up to at least my existence as one of the youngest of my generation. A first cousin on my maternal side has been tracing that side, even including a trip to "the old country" which disproved some family stories. Another family member has continued it in a more narrow focus, the part of the family she married into, so she has the old and the new information to pass on to more recent members, including me and my descendants, which now include great grandchildren.

Obviously there are many splits in a very wide family tree, and a distant cousin descended from a grandparent's sibling had been reaching out for information on how to find me. As a result, I received a fascinating chain of emails yesterday giving me some information, not only that the search is being made, but that I'm part of the reason for it. There is another Heather in that part of the family, and her mother and I connected long ago as children. Whatever happened, I'd love to know. I do know other kids I met while growing up who made an impression on me who I'm sure have no idea. I also know from the age in question that it makes sense to believe I (or my name) was a reason the name was given to another child. How else would they have come across it? It was well before Heather Locklear gained fame and suddenly every third girl baby seemingly was named Heather. I never met another one growing up until I was in high school in the "Big City", aka St. Paul, back in the '60s. Cold callers see my name on a list and make erroneous assumptions about my age and what they could sell me.

Good luck with that, folks!

I do plan to pursue the connection. Just not right now. I'm thinking about two months should be about right for things to settle down, the house to be sold, the new one moved into, the 95 tons of paperwork to be dealt with, and some more normal sleep patterns to emerge again. I don't do stress they way I used to. I need to have some illusions of control in my life, some kinds of plans for my days. There will be enough changes that are unavoidable even then, but coming from a stable base they'll be easier to cope with. I don't like being cranky - it's just not me, or at least not til recently. I'll find a way to be creative again, possibly something brand new, maybe something old. It just doesn't happen out of nonstop stress. Maybe I'm spoiled. Maybe I'm just old...  OK, no maybe about that part!

But soon it'll be time to reach back and find out what happened way long ago that I've forgotten which had an effect on somebody else. And meanwhile, I'll be more mindful of what I'm doing these days which might have an effect on somebody else and whether it's a good one or not so much. I'm hoping crabby won't be part of it!