Another Scam In Wonderland

My cell rang. I answered. Pause. Click.  (We're off to a good start here. Typical pattern. Everybody buckled?) 

Me: "Hello?"

Another click. Hum. Then a male voice, unidentified accent. "Hello?"

My turn. I'm not giving anything away. "Hello." We could do this all day.

"Is this  ____________?" using my full name, though so many of them still haven't figured out that Heather isn't pronounced  Heee-ther, with a practically sibilant "th." I never bother correcting them.

"Yes." Make them work for it. 

"Hello, my name is "________ ______" ( entirely forgettable but sounds very American, in contrast with the accent) "...calling you from ______________" (medical sounding business name) "...about your diagnosis of _____________" (something I definitely don't have, never worry about, never had tests for, but hey, sounds scary. Must need immediate attention, right?)

Some days I play. Some days I just hang up. If I feel like playing, it can go something like, "Excuse me, but where did you get my medical information from?"

"It's right here in our records."

"What records?" 

"Your medical records."

"Those are supposed to be confidential. Who gave them to you?"

"I'm looking right here at your records, Heee-ther."

"I never gave you permission to see them."

"I have them right here on the desk in front of me." They never have a better answer than that, apparently hoping I'm panicked enough, or just plain stupid enough to buy into whatever they're trying to sell. I never have taken it far enough to find out. There are better things for my time. A hangnail, perhaps. Studying floaters in my eyes in bright light. Practicing a controlled belch, depending on my recent diet. Three dog hairs on the front of my shirt. Five more on my sleeve. No, the other sleeve. OK, both of them. I just checked. See? Important stuff to do.

Of course their scam never works. I have a firm grasp of my personal medical issues, who my Primary Doc is and what he may have referred me for within recent history.  (Practically nothing. Ever.) I also know whether I plan to follow through on some of those rare referrals if they're minor annoyances and/or intermittent. ( A definite maybe. Still thinking about it.) This company's wannabe scammer is definitely not on that short list. The only medical calls I do not personally initiate are scheduling ones from an imaging company, like when a mammogram is due, or a surgery center for something I'm very aware of. Those are more likely anyway to be via emails reminding me to call and schedule whatever. I always know the company name. And the surgery center is more likely to tell me what to bring, how long before the procedure I have to stop eating and drinking, which room to report to.

Today I wasn't quite ready to play. My cough was starting to signal me it was ready to kick in again, since I'd been talking a whole couple minutes. I pushed it back just long enough to snap, "Stop bothering me!" 

I'm sure that'll be effective, right?

Put it down on the calendar for expecting a repeat call in two or three months. Hope springs eternal in the scammer's breast, I guess. Likely another few dozen suckers will have been born in the meanwhile. With luck they can keep my scammers entertained during the interim.