Checking In

A pandemic can both keep people apart and bring them together. I'm lucky enough to be on the bringing-together end in one case.

I've considered Joan my best friend (woman friend, since Steve was my best best friend) since back in the early 80's. We met in a support group for people dealing with the issues of divorce, separation, and widowhood, back when divorce was increasing in numbers but we were barely past the scandal of it all. Having others who were dealing with the same kinds of issues was a life changer. Joan and I connected during a workshop when she shared something very difficult about her life, enabling me to finally open up about something in mine. (Sorry folks, confidentiality rules. Still.)

Our friendship grew over the years, to the point where when she decided to move from Minneapolis to Phoenix to join her future husband who'd  moved there over a career relocation, I volunteered to drive her moving truck. It was great fun, but the downside of course, was actually seeing her now was an expensive challenge. Even our phone calls, frequently lasting an hour or so, had to be rationed, back before cell phones made long distance rates an anachronism. On the plus side, when I came down to Arizona to see and help my snowbirding folks, I had a friend - two actually - to visit with and show me around the state.

It should be no surprise that when it came time to think of retirement, it wasn't just the lack of icy roads which brought me down to Arizona. Fortunately Steve agreed to the location change.

It turned out that we didn't actually connect that often once I moved, not until she invited me to join her in peace protesting twice a month. I nearly always managed to sit next to her (hey, we're Grandmothers For Peace: we bring chairs!) so we had an hour and a half to chat, other than when traffic was too loud. It's a very busy street corner, so that's part of every light cycle. But we connected, and hugs were always a part of it.

Then four things happened. Joan developed significant health issues, her husband Bob died suddenly, the pandemic came along, and protesting is on hold. 

It occurred to me that there was nobody actually there on a daily basis to check in and see if she was OK. Stuff happens, and while she has  Bob's brother and his wife the next town over, and a sister and her husband over in Prescott, despite all of them being on great terms with her, it's still not as if there's a daily contact. If Joan needed help, who'd know?

I brought it up to her one day while we talked on the phone. She was still struggling a bit with the estate where a planned change in the will hadn't quite gotten done, and financial matters like taxes and bills had been done on a computer by Bob which she wasn't all that well acquainted with. (She's since had somebody in - the son of a fellow protester - to do some updates on the computer and help teach her a few things, so it's improving.) It was during one of those conversations that I thought, "What if...?" 

I stressed that she needed to designate somebody to check in on her daily - via phone of course - and who knew whom to contact in case she couldn't get to the phone. I also volunteered, in case she wanted me. I'm down here this summer, since Steve and I are also sheltering in place, both of us listing more than one way the virus wouldn't be kind to us, so if some actual physical response is needed, we were here and could do it.

Late every afternoon, one or the other will call. Joan's typical first sentence is, "I'm alive." I let her know that's a good thing. We go on from there, frequently for nearly an hour. It's amazing how much you can find to talk about when the world is whirling around about you, and you aren't. Typical topics are family, politics, personal challenges or triumphs. She knows about our war with the bed bugs, and I know how   her computer issues are progressing. She asks about the agave babies and I help inform her about how to take care of them when she gets some for her yard. I hear what her cat is doing. There's a lot of have-you-heard-what Trump-did/said? and we compare notes and sources. I hear about what she goes through to find gluten free foods, and she hears about Rich's latest job.

She didn't have a face mask, and didn't really feel safe to go out to find some so she could feel safe to go out.... You get the idea. I found one with a cat face online and sent it to her. A few weeks later she sent me one with a peace symbol. (I think mine is prettier, with all the colors and butterflies too, but shhh! Don't tell her.)

 Sometimes it's just having somebody to talk to and there's no pressure, with a friend this good, to have something new to share. It's always more than just checking in, important as that is. It's having a connection, particularly when so many others are - literally - out of reach.