Some Unsolicited Advice

Dear Lisa,

I checked my email again last evening and found the announcement, just after we last communicated, that  Peter had died. I imagine the time ahead for you is a combination of mourning and the busyness that comes from making all the necessary arrangements. Besides my deep sympathy, I wanted to offer a little unsolicited advice. Just remember what you paid for it before you decide what it’s worth to you.

Don’t let anybody else, or even your own expectations, tell you how to grieve.

This comes from both my own experiences, and a number of years in - and facilitating - a support group dealing with the ending of loving relationships, whatever their cause. I also have lost friends, and not so long ago, my parents. Each one of those occasionally still pops into my consciousness, some more than others.

With Peter’s long illness, you may have spent a long time saying your good-byes, or may still have found his actual death unexpected on some deep level. You may find it both a relief and a crushing loss.  You may find expectations - yours and/or others’ - for either your quick rebound or the full sackcloth and ashes treatment. I have no idea what your traditions are. But I can pretty much guarantee grief won’t be a static , straight line process. It may change from moment to moment, week to week, whack you in the heart after years have passed.

However  you grieve, it will be your own process, It will find you. Peter may even find you with his input on the matter. You will the the one knowing best what it’s like. Through it all, as a friend, I ask you to never forget to take care of yourself. However you feel at any moment, you are not the one who has died. All you need to do is reach out and you will find the people around you  to help support you for however long you need us to.

Heather