Don't Get Mad, Get Creative

Speaking of bad forms to fill out, I got a dilly of a one last fall. Our company insisted on signing us all up for accident insurance, even though we’re independent contractors. Some things they can insist on, like wearing their uniforms. Some they can’t, like our working hours and days off. Apparently this they can. Of course, we each have to pay for our own. And fill out this stupid form.

Most of the questions were routine. Boring even. But there was a whole section that asked what kind of freight we hauled, in what percentages, and we had to be specific.

That’s an impossible question to answer. Today is not like yesterday is not like last month is not like last year. Different customers come and go, and what we carry for one is different from what we carry for another. Further, if I carry 3 packages for one customer one week, I may not do their business for another two months. Being on call means we take whatever is next up wherever we are when we finish the last run, as long as it fits in our vehicle, and, in my case, doesn’t involve too much walking. Other drivers might have weight limits or other restrictions, often on a temporary basis.

I did a little internal ranting and raving over the need to fill in the form and the sheer stupidity of it all. Then inspiration struck. I’d get even with them by giving them exactly what they said they wanted! So I set to work. Since using the back side for completeness was encouraged,
I did. First I categorized all the kinds of freight I could remember ever hauling. This produced categories like paperwork and documents, blank paper products, medical instruments, samples for testing: medical, samples for testing: non-medical, computers and electronics, computer data storage units (discs), miscellaneous machined parts, tools, organisms: living, organisms: no longer living, chemicals: hazardous, chemicals: non-hazardous. There were more, but I can’t now remember them all. One final category was “unknown.” There are times we have no idea what we’re actually hauling, just the size, shape, weight, and pick-up and drop points.

Then I assigned percentages to them, on a purely arbitrary basis, figured out to three decimal places! I actually sat with a calculator so the end result totaled 100%. In other words, bury them in bullshit. But I wasn't done yet.

Since I was still mad, and there was still room on the paper, I added footnotes. For example, under "organisms: living" I added the comment that it never, ever included persons (I got more colorful) who designed forms like this one. Several footnotes were merely notations that this category was not to be confused with such-and-such other category, or did not include those items listed elsewhere on this form. When pressed, I can speak perfect bureaucratese. I also added notations that at the time the form was filled out it was already obsolete, for reasons on how freight changes noted above here in the third paragraph.

I also discussed the difficulties in answering a question where they failed to specify how the percentage quantity of freight shipped was to be measured. Did they mean by the volume, or the weight, of that type of freight? The number of runs involving that freight? The relative distance each was hauled? The comparative time each remained in my vehicle? Since they had failed to specify, I had come to a formula on my own that took into consideration all those factors, weighing them against each other and against my irritation at the stupidity of the question.

It went on and on, until both sides of the paper were crammed full of bogus information, every bit of as much value as the question asked. By the time I finished, I was having fun, especially at the prospect of some idiot in some office somewhere being forced to read through the whole thing and glean some kind of information from it!

When I turned it in to a fellow in our office who was collecting these to pass on, I commented on my frustrations with the form, and my solution. Jim just glanced at the offending line in question, and commented, "Oh, I just always fill those in as "general - 100%."

Now he tells me.