Confessions of a Fed-Ex Virgin

I'm one of those people who, when told to do something brand new for the very first time, can imagine several different possibilities about the how. Put a form in front of me to fill out, and any ambiguous line can be filled out several ways. The classic is always " Sex ______". Well, "yes", of course. Or perhaps "occasionally". The very first time I saw that on a form, it would have been "no, I'm too young." But you actually meant gender. OK, now I get it. By the way, how do hermaphrodites fill those things out?

I hate instruction books. There are always assumptions being made about the level of background information of the reader that never seem to comply with mine. There are always conventions to these things for the experienced, and I'm seldom the one in the know. Take my camcorder. I've had it for several years, and it's a very good thing it functions in an automatic mode, because that's mainly how I use it. Yes. of course I can go into the menu (whoever dreamed that word up for that use?) and change shutter speed, for example, but it took me over a year and some very disappointing shots before I dealt with all the frustrations of learning how to do it.

Insurance companies come with lots of paperwork to fill out after a claim. Mine e-mailed several pages to me along with a Fed-Ex label. I've seen the trucks and the drop boxes, I've handled the boxes as many of my company's customers re-use them with new labels when they have us pick them up, and yet I've never used Fed-Ex myself. I'll use the USPS or UPS drop-off locations. I've even filled out airbills for our customers on occasion. Just never Fed-Ex.

It comes with questions.

First, I've never printed out a label on plain paper. Shouldn't there be a sticky-back peel-off something that I run through my printer for that page? I don't have one, have never seen one except for those pages of tiny cut-out address labels, dozens to a page instead of one filling a whole sheet. Where do I get one of those things and why should I have to pay for what I presume will be a whole packet, the rest to sit on a shelf gathering dust until eternity or the next house cleaning, whichever comes first?

So I call the name and phone number I'm given at the insurance company. "So, that Fed-Ex label. Is that thing pre-paid or something so I have to use it or can I just send the thing back priority mail?" Nope, it's pre-paid, I have to use it, and if I have questions I can go to a Fed-Ex store. But really, just call them and they'll come pick it up at your house.

I won't be at my house. I'll be out in my car, driving who-knows where at the time of pick-up. It's like those we'll-come-to-you windshield repair companies. It never works. The only one at my house will be a 95 1/2 year old man who's blind and will have even less of a clue what's going on than I do.

Time for the internet. I locate a Fed-Ex store finder and pick out one I'll be driving past at a convenient time, in the Office Max in Forest Lake. They have both the drop box and the service counter. At the appointed time I walk in, bundle of papers in hand, and ask if this really makes sense to them? Well, duh, of course it does, but she is too polite to be other than helpful. The bundle goes inside a cardboard envelope, the flap gets folded over where it sticks down after she peels the strip off, the label gets folded in half and placed information and barcode side out in the center-slit plastic pouch on front, no adhesive needed, and it goes in the box with a sliding barrel door. All done, bye, come again.

It was way too easy.

Naturally, there's a mistake made in filling out the forms. The insurance company calls, explains, resends forms to fill out and another Fed-Ex label. Hey, no problem, it'll be sent back first thing in the morning. I know how now. But this time I check for a more local drop-box-only location, find one, and swing by. Uh, no envelopes here. You gottta already have one to use this box. They're not even out of them, they never had a place to even store them. I'm just glad I'm now a pro at this, and know where to get the envelopes and how to use them. Imagine if this box had been my first attempt!


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Speaking of paperwork snafus, I'm not the only one who makes them. Last Saturday's mail had an envelope from the car dealership containing the dealership transfer title that they'd forgotten to have me sign as the buyer of the car. It had a pre-stamped envelope inside to mail the thing back in after signing, and a Post-It begging me to do it ASAP.

I had to chuckle, especially at the timing. Saturday morning when Steve picked me up for breakfast before taking me to the dealership to bring home the old car, I saw the mail truck down the block, heading my way. We left about a minute before it dropped off that envelope. I could have signed it and dropped it off in person on Saturday had we left a minute later. Instead, I mailed it Monday, Presidents' Day, a mail holiday. I expect they have it by now.