On Opinions

The day started out with a nap. By 9:30 it was time for a mug of coffee, though, for I had plans. Rich had finished pruning back the oleander sitting in a corner of the yard. but which I can't get to because some previous owner had fenced it out of my reach by having the 6 foot chain link fence cut diagonally inside the corner, leaving the bush outside. Rich reached it for me from a ladder, and branches were now strewn all over the ground on my side the fence. I had already filled one 30 gallon Hefty bag with the ones I could reach to clip as they had grown through the chain link, but those were just the start.

I developed a technique to make the job easier, eliminating the need for a pruner for all but a half dozen of the worst branches. I found they snap in certain places along the stems, and either snap clean or strip a thin piece of bark away. Either way, they no longer poke holes in the bags. Gloves protect my hands from both blisters and any poison in the plant, and I can haul a chair out to sit in, increasing my staying power to well over an hour at a time.

This afternoon was sunny and nearing 70, and I was parked over the pile in the shade as I worked. It also turned out to be a great spot for inadvertent eavesdropping. The next house over, backing our next door neighbor and hidden by the bush, was the source of my entertainment. It appeared to be homeschooling time, two young boys, likely elementary school ages, and probably their grandpa. There was a lot of disciplinary talk, trying to keep them on task rather than squirming and competing over everything. 

What I first heard that caught my attention was Grandpa asking how did they get red? No answer, though the boys were reminded they had just gone over it. He then repeated an earlier lesson about how to get orange by combining red and yellow. My mind wandered off a bit, imagining myself teaching that same lesson. It was complex, though. I would have answered about primary colors, suggesting it could be gotten with a prism, but then recalled all the colors could be gotten that way. But if you were, say, coloring yarn for a weaving, you could go out and collect bugs for cochineal. Of course that lead to me realizing I had no idea what I would be talking about or how it was done.

Their discussion had wandered off in the meantime, and I alerted back into it when I heard Grandpa telling - scolding actually - one or both of the boys. "If you ask somebody their opinion, you listen politely to what they say. You asked for it." I continued that thread in my head at great length. If you ask for an opinion, you don't do it to tell somebody they are stupid or to laugh at them. It's about trust as well as manners. That person may never share anything personal with you again. It also might be your chance to learn something new about how you yourself think and feel. When it's somebody you like, or think is smart, you may be ready to believe there is something worthwhile in what they say, or at least check it out. If you already don't like them, you may decide their opinion is not how you think, or how you want to think.

And I was off, imagining having a few children actually listening to me talk about opinions. (Yeah, 'cause that so often happens, right?) How would I respond? What would I say? I imagined I had time ahead to think about it so I had some kind of actual opinion. The scenario I set up started with being asked about my politics, couched in terms of what I think about this country. These times are divided, and I'd want to be careful, especially with other people's kids. Perhaps I'd say that opinions need a starting point based on my personal philosophy. I'd describe myself as both an idealist and a cynic. I love this country and what it stands for, but as a cynic recognize we do not always (often?) reach our best. But as an idealist, I also think it is important that we strive to do so, and are in the long slow process of making things better. (No promoting of any political party here, because kids.)

 But then, this was all in a homeschooling situation, so I'd do something other than give my personal opinion on whatever topic, instead talking about opinions themselves. Because, well, me. I'd continue:

Opinions are tricky things. They are slippery, some staying for long times, others changing with circumstances or new information. But to get any opinions at all, you first have to start with a world view. Decide what you like and don't. What do good and bad mean to you? What is important right now? What used to be important but isn't any more? What do you want? Who do you care about? What new information has the power to change your opinion?

Talking to kids, I might start with how their (literal) tastes change. As infants, milk was the yummiest thing in their world, because it was the only thing they knew, and life was all about survival then. As they grew, they had different foods to choose between, and some tasted good while others didn't. They also learned that other people like and don't like different foods than they did, and even these preferences changed with time. It could be taste buds changing, or some foods being connected with happy times and others with unhappy times. You might eat a food you love until one day you get sick. Now the two are associated in your mind so you change your opinion about it. Smells work the same way. You might love wood smoke when you have a weenie roast and s'mores over a bonfire with friends, but if your home burns down, you learn to hate it.

While we're talking about being babies, I remind them that when they were really little, they didn't mind diapers. (Insert imagined giggles here.) Once their bodies changed enough so they could go potty the way older kids and grownups did, diapers were humiliating. We might even talk about getting really old or sick and needing to use them again, and how much of a struggle it might be to again change their opinion of them.

I'd go on to talk about how friends change. You might think Sean is your best friend for years, but one day he is mean to you and it really hurts. You will need to think about whether your opinion of Sean and of your friendship has changed, and what that means to you. Is he mad at something you did or does he have some other excuse that you accept? Will he keep behaving this way to you? Can you forgive him if he apologizes or not? Way beneath all that is what your opinion of yourself is, and what kind of behavior you think you deserve from people around you.

We could discuss values. For example, a promise is important, right? We value people in our lives who can keep a promise when they say they will. But sometimes it is important to break a promise. If your friend asks you to promise to keep secret that they are going to sneak out to go someplace that might be dangerous, and later they don't return, do you let adults know where to look for them? Something might have happened to them. Is the safety of that person more important than the secret? When do you make that decision?

Opinions on fun can change quickly. It might be as simple as getting bored with doing the same thing too many times. Or let's say you see a lovely stretch of ocean beach and you want to swim there. Do you still want to go if somebody tells you sharks have been seen there lately? Does your opinion of it being fun change because somebody else has a different opinion? Or perhaps because the real fun is in spending time with them?

How does your opinion of a particular person change based on what you hear about them? Does it matter if they are either richer or poorer than you? Does it matter which religion they believe in whether you think they are a good person? What if they were really popular and everybody else wanted to be their friend? What if you heard they killed somebody? That would be terrible. Would it make a difference if they did it while protecting somebody else? Did it fighting to defend their country? Did it accidentally but not carelessly? Some religions or philosophies have the commandment saying people shouldn't kill each other, while others say not to murder. Does this change your opinions? Is it OK to steal if it's a loaf of bread and you are starving? If it's for somebody else who is? Does the reason somebody does a crime make a difference in their punishment, or is a crime a crime, period? 

By the time we start deciding on those kinds of opinions, life tends to get really complicated. When we listen to opinions of other people, we often disagree. Sometimes we learn new ways of thinking and feeling, or get further backing for opinions we already have. We at least realize different opinions exist for other people. We don't need to agree with their opinions. But if we ask for them, we should at least listen politely to them.

Ahhh, yard cleanup is done. Three bags of clippings now wait for Rich to take them curbside for morning pick-up. Imaginary class dismissed, kids, time to go play and enjoy this lovely afternoon. That may be an opinion we can all share. From the sound of things, real homeschooling finished several minutes ago anyway. Besides, I'm hungry.

Not to mention, there's a blog post to write.