I'm not sure if there is a specific term these days. But regardless, this is the second time I've had one. The first time I had never met the person in real life, only on a community type site. With that other one we corresponded on various things until he died, from climate change to the challenges of disabilities to sharing his art.
This time it's somebody I have met, immediately liked, and put her on my emailing list for jokes and other trivia when I get a list of jokes or silly signs that I like enough to share. I recently heard from her with bad news she had to share, that her last two close family members had recently died, and she was now in an assisted living facility. Not only was she grieving, she was less than impressed by the high price and low quality of care of the facility. At least she knew some of the people in there, having lived in the general area for a number of years.
I can't go visit her in person. 1800+ miles is a humongous drive these days as well as awfully expensive, and I no longer fly because I use the "wrong" middle name and the state refuses me "Real ID". Either is expensive. When we lived in Arizona most of the year she'd be a hop and a skip away. We demonstrated together and chatted while doing so as long as that group lasted.
But you're reading this and know I can communicate online. So can she. I didn't have her new physical address but still had her email one, and did what I can do: sent her a chatty email and sent a photo of a flower I found especially lovely from my summer garden. As I put it, I couldn't send her real flowers, but I could send her this one and she could still have it any time she wished to look at it. Any of the other ones she'd gotten for the two funerals would be long withered and tossed.
She emailed back expressing her appreciation, and we started a daily correspondence. I'd send her flower photos and chatty news, occasionally input on some similar issues I'd had myself or some questions I thought she might find helpful to ask. I informed her I would continue to do this every day, so long as she emailed anything back to let me know she was still there. (I'd had that issue with my previous e-penpal. He'd died and I hadn't known until months later when somebody reached out to people he'd been corresponding with to let us know what had happened.) I in turn reached out to the online community who knew him and where I became acquainted with him to let them know his fate, as well as a reminder of why he'd been a valued member there... and to me. I have no expectations that anybody would do the same in her case, so I let her know stopping correspondence would be my signal she couldn't any more. I won't have any idea who's left in her life to mourn her passing to express sympathy to anymore. Friends at the facility will be informed of course.
Most days I go through my photo library and pick out favorites to send. Most come with stories attached so I share those as well, but briefly. For example, I'd say this was taken at (_____ National Park) and add a query might she like more from there? It might be a flower from where I used to live and got dug and relocated so is now blooming in both locations. Or rainbows.... or birds.... or fall foliage.... or whatever it happens to be.
This week I'm going though photos from Alaska. Now other than common garden flowers like the incredible variety of columbines popular where we stayed, they are reduced to just a colorful multitude of flowers I'd not seen elsewhere and have no names for, like these,
delightfully intricate little gem from some walking path on a tour which couldn't possibly escape my eye. Have you ever seen such a frilly little gem? I still have never seen another. Once the Alaska flowers run out, there's glaciers, mountains, ocean life behind glass, in hand, or viewed from tour boats... if they are desired. I could add from horseback, but mostly those are close-ups of horse ears, and I doubt they'd be interesting. Any time my attention was drawn from the horse, he stopped for grass while the rest of the tour dutifully kept going without us. I guess it beats getting one who always wants to gallop and toss me though. Not so wonderful photos however.
I "only" have somewhere over 4,000 photos still in my laptop, with some hundreds more each on a collection of thumb drives that actually survived sitting in AZ for a few months while we looked for a new home to move everything into up in MN. Yes, my favorite collection, the best from Crex over a couple decades, didn't survive but for some reason it seems most of the others have. So we can continue this correspondence for years. If by then we have to start going through them again, does anybody think either of us will remember what's a repeat?
We can also discuss classical music, which we both love. Or places we both have traveled which hold special memories. Or the issue of having somebody with their hand out for your possessions or money which they firmly believe they have a right to control even while you still can, and legal protections one can put in place so any final wishes are carried out as desired. She needed to set up a reliable trustee, while I was made one years ago for a minor child with a difficult parent who was convinced it should go for a more expensive wardrobe when I limited spending to health and educational expenses. Different sides of the coin, different experiences, different states, but same problem. We have stories to share. When she needs to vent, I can "listen" using skills training and years of experience as a facilitator in a support group.
Of course I'm presuming I'll outlive her. She's 16 years older, whatever that means these days, but I'm still connected to close family - in fact, close family on both sides - and am now mostly free of pain, unlike her situation, and can get out and about for activities I still love. Right now I'm in the planning stage for everybody's home-made holiday presents this year while still putting the gardens "to bed" for winter, both of which keep me feeling productive and useful. None of which are guarantees of more years to come, since nobody gets that guarantee, but they are incentives to continue.
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