Lifeline... Forever?

Parting is such a bitch. At least it seems to be for Phillips Lifeline.

When my dad was first widowed, we ordered the pendant for him. You've no doubt seen the commercials. An older person falls and can't get up, pushes a button, and help is called. While the commercials' tag line has become a punchline, the system really works.

One memorable use was an evening when Daddy had helped himself to an extra drink, fell getting out of his chair, and had the paramedics come pick him up. When I arrived - with granddaughter in tow - he was sloppy-happy, unhurt, and completely unimpressed with the fact that his catheter bag had leaked all over the carpet. What was even more irritating to me was finding the EMTs treating the whole episode as a lark. He didn't need the encouragement to drink to excess, no matter how much he was grieving.

At least that time I got called. The first time he used the system, there was a flub and neither Steve nor I got called. The first I heard of it, the call was from the hospital ER asking about his meds. After an irate call to Lifeline, apologies were made along with the necessary changes.

When he was moved in with us, we decided to keep the system. He was, after all, still on his own for hours at a time in the house. The one time he should have used it, when he fell in the bathroom before we put in the support bar, he forgot about the pendant and waited for about half an hour until the Meals on Wheels driver found him.

A few months ago I found him on a couple occasions staring at the pendant with a puzzled look on his face. He'd forgotten what it was and how to use it. I reminded him, in case it might do some good in the future. Once he was home from the hospital in December and under constant supervision, I decided to call Lifeline and cancel the service.

It was a pleasant enough call, although I was put off by the tone of voice at one point that demanded to know why we were canceling, were we absolutely sure we were properly taking care of him? The word "hospice" goes a long way in such situations.

She canceled the service, asking me to disconnect the machine from the phone system once I got home, pay the most recent bill whose arrival the day before prompted memory and my call, and informed me that they would be sending out a FedEx label to attach to whatever box we packed the system in, for free return shipping.

A couple weeks later the envelope arrived... not with the label but with a bill for the price of the whole system! You better believe I called them immediately, and not terrible politely either. I was apologized to, assured the matter would be checked into, and told to ignore the bill. Just return the system.

Yesterday I realized another full two weeks had passed, and since I was a work at the time, called home to Rich to give them a call and ask WTF? This time the answer was they were sure the label had been mailed, but it would be checked into. We're wondering if they sent it to the original address. Things have gone astray that way before.

Meanwhile the box sits on the dining room table, collecting dust. Or maybe crumbs. The last bill payment is inside, waiting for that free shipping label so I can be cheap and avoid the $.44 stamp. It's overdue by now, of course. Under the circumstances I don't feel a bit bad about it. When we signed up for the service, the level of customer service was excellent. Signing off is a whole different story.