Checks Unlimited Rip-Off

Hard as it may be to believe, considering how much I spout off here, I do try not to swear at those frustrating folks on the phone. I'll let the voice level rise, put that edge in it, get sarcastic, but I do try not to swear.

Today was an exception. Well deserved, I believe.

I got this coupon in the mail from Checks Unlimited a while ago. It's been kicking around in my lunch cooler for weeks, waiting for me to call them and cash in on the offer, good thru July 15, 2011. Now, I used to like them. I've been ordering checks from them for a lot of years. I like their check style called "Earth Echoes", printed on recycled paper, showing whales, wolves, polar bears, and eagles, all in soft colors that let me read what's on the check after I've finished writing. Too many designs these days are in strong colors that hide whatever is written. Not too useful on a financial document.

Today was the day. I'm down to two checks left, one of which will be written tomorrow, and one at month end, both for bills that don't have internet bill pay. Yet. The offer was for one box at $8.50. Keep that in mind. One box, $8.50. Free printing, free shipping and handling, free address labels. And one box will keep me, at the rate I write checks these days, until long after I may get around to changing my name. So, one box, $8.50.

The call started nicely enough. He got the name, address, phone number, routing number, account number, starting check number, style. Sounds promising, right? Then he told me if I ordered 4 boxes, I'd get free address labels.

No, I can only use one box, and I explained why. Besides, every charity in the world sends me address labels and I'm drowning in them, even using them for X-mas cards and mailing out my dad's bills. Besides, the coupon says I already get free address labels. But, hey, let's just not send them since I don't need them until I change my name.

OK, he can not send the address labels, and just order two boxes for me.

"No, I don't want two boxes, only one."

"But you have to order two."

"No I don't, the coupon has a box showing the price of an order for a single box. That's what I want."

"Wait, you have a coupon?" This he asks after I've referred to it at least three times. Then he gets the numbers from the bottom of it, and again tells me I have to get two boxes. We "discuss" the issue a few minutes, and I finally give in. Bad move. Encouraged, he goes back to the "if I order 4 boxes I get free address labels" routine. No, I don't want four, can't use four, would have to burn them, and still don't want the address labels.

With four boxes I can order a stamp or some other doo-dad free, so which do I want?

"None!"

"Your order will be there in two to three weeks. How about ordering the UPS tracking for just an extra few dollars?"

(Is he serious? I've never ever ever been charged for that, just gotten it free with an order of whatever.) "Nope, don't want it. " (And what's this two to three weeks crap?)

"With four boxes you can order ______ (list of other accessory items) at just $______ apiece, and which would you like today?"

(Really really slow learning curve here, buddy.) "None! Let's pretend you asked me all this stuff and I said, 'No.' Let's just get on with it."

"OK, then your order today comes to $34....."

"WHOA! How on earth did we get that high?"

"Well, two boxes of checks at $17.something. plus the EZ Shield protection for $17.something..."

"Wait, I never ordered that."

"But you have to have that on your checks."

"No! This is so DAMN far from the $8.50 that is on your coupon, you can just forget the order!"

And I hung up on him.

Then I called my credit union, spent about a minute ordering a box of checks from them with absolutely no hassles, not quite as cheaply as the "offer" from Checks Unlimited coupon, and expect to see them in about ten days.

At the start of the fiasco, there was a recorded voice informing me that call might be recorded. I hope it was. I hope they learned something. If they didn't, here it is: as far as I'm concerned, get greedy, get gone!