I am growing to hate being effectively one-armed. On the other hand (weirdly inappropriate expression here) I am growing to appreciate my lack of a functioning nose.
The brace my right arm is encased in, whether you call it a sling or a contraption or simply a trap, has not been removed or opened once yet. The hand works just fine. It can handle anything from the wrist out. It will notice any "heavy" weight, such as a full coffee cup, and despite the rest of the arm being supported, the shoulder will register discomfort. I won't call it pain, just a warning. It is capable, just limited. So, in the case of coffee, the mug gets set down as soon as possible, until the left hand can take over. A second trip? No problem, the legs are fine, thanks. When the liquid level gets low, I have to negotiate with my body to rearrange me in a space where the head can tilt back far enough to drain the cup. That means repeat that contortion several times, since the must-tilt level happens way before the remaining liquid can be managed in a single swallow. I have enough irritations without adding either choking or wearing half my coffee on my clothes. If this seems extreme to you, bear in mind the left shoulder is in nearly as bad shape as the replaced one was. I just did the worst one first.
I can fix my own meals, mostly. There are lots of frozen boxes in the house, mostly low calorie, low fat. Good for portion control. Also lots of low fat no sugar Greek yogurt. To either can be added flavorings, fruits or veggies from appropriate bags in the freezer. There are large stocks of nuts, crackers, puddings, mac-n-cheeze microwave singles, and foil bags of shelf-stable tuna, dried fruits, chunky soups in cans with pull tops. And so forth. Supper tonight is thawing, a ring of frozen shrimp around a tiny tub of cocktail sauce. Soon as it thaws it goes in the fridge. Steve can pull the tough plastic tray parts apart, or that rare stubborn pull top thst won't, but all the rest I can handle.
I'm allowed to take the brace off "for hygeine". That's their delicate way of not talking about figuring out how to use the toilet. It soon will expand to bathing/showering. Yeah, no, I haven't done that latter bit yet. The doc who discharged me said I didn't have to, just after he warned me to keep the shoulder bandage dry. No way that can happen in our shower, plus the hanger for the shower head is already way too high. I do have a supply of baby wet-wipes and never flush them despite package claims. They were cause for our first plumbing bill in this place, and we'd never even had one in the place back then.
But you just can't avoid the toilet. Oh, sure you can, but who's going to clean the house afterwards? Steve who needs a walker to get around? Who can sweep the hard kitchen floor with a long-handled dust pan but can't bend over for the crumbs in the carpet needing individual attention... well, you get the idea. Plus whatever winds up on the floor needing a good scrub I have to go after since I still have the flexibility and balance for it. Yes, I still credit belly dancing for that, all these years later.
The real issue here is getting pants down - in time, starting from that first warning of need - and on both sides of you plus low enough in back when it tends to hang up on all the bulgy parts on the way down, and then once cleaned up afterwards, meaning either without the assistance of the bidet with controls way back behind you on the trapped side, or you can have company while you expel everything you can, who can then turn the tiny knob as directed and WHEN directed so you both don't get a cold shower as well as winding up with a slippery floor. (Do I need to describe how dangerous that could be in these circumstances?)
Let's just assume for the moment that all the above has been successful and up to standards. You are ready to stand WHILE pulling pants up with one hand. Yes, the grab bar is there but then you have to go back down again anyway for the pants.You will have already learned that getting one side of the pants up does not mean the other side is successfully up. I will not equate optimism in being able to release that hand to grab another part of the waistband and have the first part remain where you left it in defiance of gravity is to be in any way equated with intelligence. It shall forever be merely an indication of optimism!
It may also be an indication of wearing the wrong pants. (Surely you weren't trying this in a skirt, were you? WERE YOU? OMG!) I am rotating three pairs of pants through: use, launder, use. All are or were knit pants. Baggy ones.Two are shorts from before I lost a bunch of weight. The good part is they came with sturdy drawstrings, now permanently knotted so as to not pull out.The elastic is just tight enough that they don't drop. The third is a baggy pair of sweatpants. All are PJs these days, all designated 24-hour acceptable in the house. Obviously I'm not stepping outside, due in part to sub-zero cold, ice on everything, inability to get into a coat... aka winter. Inside they are accompanied by a lovely, snuggly, double polar fleece throw/blanket. Warm socks too of course.
Back to the topic. Two of these pants when worn singly can in fact be forced both on and off by me with one hand. It took practice. Before I worked it out, Steve was the other puller, giving us 3 hands for duty. Asleep or awake, he was called into service. We got, with help of family, some short grab sticks. They are not as helpful as we wished for clothing. (Other things, great!) I could spend time adjusting and working to make them more useful with pants on my "wrong" side. In fact I will have to, since I'll be out of the house 3 times next week, three different doctors' visits. Because what I will have to do next week means I'm back to being dependent in the bathroom unless I learn a new trick.
It will be my need for a second layer. It might even require a third layer, combining discretion and warmth as new needs when out and about in public. It will have elastic and extra padding. I can have an accident at home and simply switch to clean pants, but even at home, inserting even regular undies means I need assistance. Especially in redressing. Everything gets hung up on a second layer of fabric, even if it didn't get stuck on a bulge, however large or small one thinks it may be these days. And yes, they are smaller, but that only means it is lower, not gone. Something getting pulled up gets stuck under the bulge, not merely at the bulge. It's just another "perk" of losing weight in one's 70s. Skin doesn't care about shrinking any more. (Want more surgery, anybody? A little tuck here, a nip and tuck there, here a nip, there a tuck, everywhere a nip tuck ....Wait! What am I singing for?)
So we worked out that whenever I'm wearing 2 layers of pants, I'll head to wherever Steve is, even in bed asleep, and he will do the pulling down, handing me the fistful for my good side. A whole lot of NSFW will be flashing any neighbors who are playing Peeping Tom at that moment. Since we keep the blinds angled to make that near impossible, we keep them disappointed. Something else will be devised for when we have visitors. Obviously the whole system works in reverse afterwards. The three rotating pants are at the exact size to combine with the exact twisting wiggle that persistence winds up with them all sitting in place over my hip bones. Steve can keep sleeping. Add one... .HELP!!!
It works for the two of us and our privacy needs - or happy lack thereof. I suppose if we graduate to a lengthy family/company visit, I'll just have him head into the bathroom with me. But out in public? Or when Paul is driving?
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